If an elephant farts in a forest will you hear it?

To my lumberjacks,

The answer to that question is yes. How do I know this? I was in said forest when the aforementioned big-eared mammal decided to rip one. 'Cause I didn't read any blog-worthy articles on the news today (although to be fair I only quickly glanced through the "style" section of the Globe & Mail) I've decided to share my own stories. I'm sure if you've been a friend of my for any length of time and we have been bored together then I'm certain you've heard these anecdotes before. But because I have several Ls in my name I'm allowed to be redundant. That argument didn't make sense, but you know what neither does making book covers out of human skin (*cough* Hitler *cough*).

Part Uno:
My fam and I were trekking through the jungles of Thailand using machetes to cut through the tall grasses and thorn-ridden bushes for several days (read: hours) before reaching our camp for the night. Upon reaching the little village we were going to stay in my mom promptly had what is known as a "shit fit". Now, let it be known that the adventures of the Priory of Parsons were still nascent so my mom hadn't quite become accustomed to the rustic feeling of many of the places we were going to stay in. Lucky for my mom, she had my dad who in turn asked if we could perhaps opt out of the bamboo-covered open-aired shelter the locals originally offered to us and sleep in something more closed-off (you see apart from having no privacy whatsoever there were also a lot of mangy looking dogs that would probably come have their pups in your sleeping bag when you were off squatting in the bushes). Anyways blah blah blah the funny part comes when Adam (my wee bro) is "touring" around this hut a kind family offered us for the night. The bamboo hut was raised about a meter or so off the ground and was a one room nothing inside kinda deal. In reality there wasn't much to explore, but Adam b-lined it to a corner of the hut with a hole cut into the floor. He said and I quote, "Guys come here!! Look!!! This is soo cool!! There is this hole in the floor!! Neat-o!" Let it be known, he was yelling all of this with excitement as his head was in the hole on the floor in the corner in the bamboo hut. I'm not sure who said it, I think it might have been my dad that finally broke the news to Ad that the hole was not "something he should stick his head through" because it was a toilet. HAHA! Ad stuck his head down a poop-hole!

Part Doo-oh:
Later on that day we got to go on a little elephant trek which was insanely fun. Being later in the day the mahuts (the elephant drivers) were already high off their rockers on some local brand of herb so they were just kinda letting the elephants do their thaang. My fam was split up into two elephants: my dad and Christian on the front one, and me, my mom and Ad on the second one which was behind. I'm not sure which of the following incidents came first but I'll start with the "thar she blows!" one. As we're lumbering along through the jungle I hear what sounds like a gigantor fart from the lead elephant. We all started laughing...you know mouths wide open ha-ha-ing and then it hit us. A good five seconds after this giant sound came from the elephant's ass a HUGE gust of wind aka an elephant fart hit us spraying dirt, ass particles and god knows what else into our faces/mouths/hair/clothes etc. Moral of the story: don't laugh at a farting elephant. The second elephant incident is quite possibly a quintessential Parsons' moment. Again it started off as something innocent, as the elephants were taking us alongside a river. As we were just about to cross the river my mom screams "OH MY GOD!! CHIPPY LOOK!! LILLY LOOK! WHERE IS THE CAMERA?!" And we're all thinking "What? What????" Then my mom says "THE ELEPHANT IS HAVING AN ERECTION!! ITS PENIS IS DRAGGING IN THE WATER!!" Hahahah. Wow mom. Classic.

Woah...that was a little longer than I thought so perhaps I'll stop here. I wish I had pictures of the elephant wang but we took that trip before digital cameras came into existence....but perhaps its better this way.

(P.O.P.)